Belonging to Yourself

When I think about why I first started drinking alcohol at age 14, it was out of a desire for belonging. There were a lot of other reasons too - like rebellion, anger at 'society' in general for wanting me to be a certain way, declaration of my freedom - to name a few. But the main reason: when I drank, I felt like I could be MORE myself. It was like my inhibitions were ‘not me’ and once I got rid of them, I could be ‘me’. It started as something to help me be more social, create connections, explore all the textures of life, but somewhere along the way, it started to feel more like an obligation and I knew I had to break free.

I’ve been surprised by the number of people who have messaged me to say they are considering giving up alcohol and want to hear more about how and why I gave it up 7+ months ago. It has become more and more apparent to me that we all face addiction, and alcohol is a huge one because it’s so socially accepted and promoted when we’re young. I am aware that my story may not always be about alcohol, but that for right now, it is, and that’s okay. If it’s helping you, then I want to continue to share whatever you want to hear! I feel that not enough people tell their stories of transformation as they happen, and I want to share with you my experience first hand, and while it’s fresh.

When I got a little depressed over Valentine’s Day, I couldn't tell if I was actually sad, if I felt like I should be sad, or if I wanted to be sad. I considered self-destructive wallowing, and getting some wine, and I thought - no one would know...But then I realized, I would know. Not anyone else, but me. Over the last 7 months, I’ve built a relationship and trust with myself. Proving to myself that I could make one significant, but far-reaching change, allowed me to come back to loving myself. It sounds cliche, and honestly, it’s slightly annoying that everyone was right, but you do have to love yourself first. 

So I realized that I’m at this really strange point in my life where I feel perfectly content being alone. I figure I have the rest of my life to be annoyed by another person LOL ;) It’s weird but very freeing to finally let go of the nagging feeling that I should be social, I should be dating, I should be getting out there. Something clicked about being accountable to myself, first and foremost. I realized that the most important relationship I will ever have is with myself. People come and go through my life, but I will always be with me. The dynamic that I create with myself will be reflected in every other relationship in my life.  And while you might think being so content alone is shutting my heart off to love, it’s actually doing the opposite. The more I sit in this belonging with myself, I can feel this space in my heart - this space that’s reserved for the love of my life - getting more sacred, more special. 

So as we all wander around looking for a place to belong, these are the questions I ask you: What about belonging to yourself? What about creating that sense of belonging inside you and carrying that with you everywhere you go? What if you could get to know yourself, settle into your own skin, and create your own sense of home, companionship, and love? 

If we carry our belonging and authenticity with us, then we can become channels of whatever needs to come through at any given moment. Maya Angelou says it best, “You only are free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”